Does Writing a Love List Help or Hinder?
The Love List: Attracting or Limiting?
You might have the perfect beginning to a relationship. He can be everything you ever wanted in a partner. Handsome, funny, physically fit, charming, good in bed, free-spirited, ambitious. The chemistry can be amazing, and you can have a lot in common.
But then as you become more physically bonded, spend more time together, and really get to know each other, you might discover you aren’t as compatible as it seemed. His arrogance and narcissistic need for attention come to the surface. He stops putting on the charm that he displayed at the beginning. He has less and less time for you as he’s busy with other pursuits. Perhaps he’s backing off and avoiding any talk of commitment.
After some time, one or both of you admit it’s not a fit, and you go separate ways. With a broken heart, you find yourself thinking, “What happened? He was exactly what I wanted. He had everything on my list.”
The list. We’ve all heard of it. It’s sort of a joke.
It might seem adolescent to make a list for attracting love. Nevertheless, it’s still compelling to make one. After all, following one or more breakups our “must haves” and “must nots” tend to grow in number.
So does making a love list help or hinder?
On the one hand, it’s essential to have clarity about what you’re seeking in a relationship. On the other hand, having too many specific requirements for what a person must be for you to open your heart can be limiting and even block the very love your soul is seeking.
What’s Wrong With a Love List?
As a deliberate attractor, I wholeheartedly endorse making a love list and even include it in my online courses. However, too many times I’ve had clients and friends that had such a specific list that it became a person unattainable that doesn’t exist.
It’s often something like this:
Tall, dark, handsome, (insert any one, maybe two, ethnicities here), muscular, has lots of hair, wealthy, spiritual, has a purpose in life, understanding, loving, loyal, sensitive, sensual, etc.
Now, it isn’t that one person can’t have all of those traits, someone might. But it paints an unrealistic portrait of a person without any flaws, and that somehow manages to maintain each of these qualities simultaneously. Rarely can someone be all of those things at one time and for a lifetime.
For example, someone who is wealthy and has a lucrative career might not be able to spend as much time with a partner if he has to travel a lot for his job. Another example might be that the same man that is loving and sweet may not always have the same “confidence” that a narcissistic player has learned to master.
Do you see how some of these qualities, though all great, can often contradict each other in a real human being?
How a Soulmate Love List is More Powerful
In my opinion, most people make their list with the wrong traits focusing on the physical world (looks, chemistry, and wealth). So what I recommend doing is creating a soulmate list instead. What is a soulmate list?
It’s a list made only of the soul qualities you’re seeking in a partner and a relationship. They are similar to personality traits but speak to the deeper characteristics of one’s soul and their unique gifts to the world.
Some examples of soul qualities are: happy, loving, helpful, spiritual, warm, kind, jovial, pure, health conscious, financially conscious, intelligent, detailed, adventurous, creative, inspired, truthful, honest, etc.
In addition to soul qualities, the soulmate list can include the specific ways that you would like to feel in your partnership. For example: secure, loved, heard, affectionate, abundant, joyful, fun, expansive, etc.
What About Physical Qualities on the Soulmate List?
For the soulmate list, I recommend transmuting all the physical qualities like attractive, wealthy, physically fit into soul qualities. It will look something like this:
Attractive = happy or content
Wealthy = financially responsible, abundant mindset
Physically fit = health conscious
So now these physical qualities that were previously very limiting are now open and inviting. It also releases the importance of the temporary qualities that fade with time. Even though people do change and go through different phases in life, soul qualities endure a lifetime.
Ditch the Physical Qualities
Though you might not want to, I recommend ditching all the physical qualities that will continue to limit you. There I said it.
Why? Because when your ideal picture of a partner contains physical traits, then it invokes an image (or picture or fantasy) of him that becomes your first barometer for potential love, when it should be the other way around. His soul qualities should be the primary barometer for love before deciding if you want to connect physically.
Here’s the truth – exact physical traits (height is a big one for many women), ethnicity, nationality, occupation, salary amount, etc. are not significant long-term.
I’ve witnessed people have fantastic soulmate relationships when they released their attachment to all of these physical ideas and simply remained open to the soul qualities of their ideal partner instead.
So go ahead, and make your love list. It’s a beautiful way to get clarity, to break previous relationships patterns, and understand your needs better. But also be prepared to throw out anything that is limiting you and isn’t in the best interests of your most fulfilling relationship.
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