The Shocking Reasons Men Won’t Approach Women

I had to get to the bottom of why men won’t approach women in public anymore.

So I did what any reasonable person would do and Googled it. Up came a very long Quora discussion about it.

Though I wouldn’t recommend reading the entire page, as it can be quite a downer, there were some significant pieces of insight that might be helpful if you’ve been wondering why men won’t approach you.

Here are the highlights of why men won’t approach women:

men won't approach women in public

They are frightened of women and afraid they will be put down.

They fear rejection from a woman.

They suffer from their own self-image issues.

Genuine conversations without some ulterior motive are no longer the norm.

There isn’t a proper place to approach a woman without being creepy.

They are busy and don’t have time for dating.

Dating online has made it so much easier.

Women can be offended by a stranger approaching her.

Women act oblivious to his approach.

Women play games with men.

Men don’t want to be accused of being a rapist.

And perhaps the most depressing answer of all…

Because men can get their “needs” met anywhere, all the time, so they don’t need to work for it.

unapproachable woman

There was a whole lot more, but you get the idea.

Men not approaching women boiled down to these two main issues:

Men don’t want to be a creepy, rapist guy.

Women can be very rude to them.

You got to give men credit here. By not approaching women, they are respectful. They are providing women what they believe they want: to be left alone.

However, as a woman that was on the receiving end of this years ago and hearing this complaint from so many female clients and community members, I can assure anyone reading this that single women do want to be approached by men.

So, ladies, if you want to meet single men and they aren’t approaching you in public, what can you do in light of all the doubts above?

men approaching women at a bar

Be nice and be polite to everyone you interact with. If you’re smiling and looking happy while you’re chatting with the barista, then someone observing you might think you seem like a cool person to talk to.

Be kind to a man that talks to you, even if you aren’t interested. He made an effort and it’s a compliment. If you’re busy and don’t wish to chat, then a simple, “It was nice chatting with you, but I have to answer this work email now. Have a beautiful day,” will do.

If anyone compliments you, say thank you. The most crushing response to a compliment is when the person complimented turns it around and insults the person who gave it. Graciously, say thank you.

Go to events and places that are conducive to conversation, like classes, Meetup groups, church, or workshops. It’s far less intimidating than approaching someone at Peet’s or a bar.

Ask to be set up by friends and acquaintances. Having someone that knows you pretty well connect you with a guy is the perfect way to meet someone without needing him to approach you first.

Online dating. Just do it. It’s all about the numbers. Approximately 40% of Americans are using online dating, and a majority of them are men. You can get to know a lot about a man before even deciding to meet him in person. Nice men that make excellent partners are more comfortable dating online than approaching women in person. It’s how I met my husband. Have I mentioned how awesome I think online dating can be? If you aren’t meeting men in any other way currently, then it would benefit you to get to it now.

Perhaps this sheds some light on the modern dilemma of why men aren’t approaching women in public anymore.

Perhaps it’s frustrating, too. However, knowledge is power, and I believe knowing these real responses from men will allow you to make more deliberate dating choices that lead you to your soulmate.

Please follow and like us:

36 Responses

  1. Holli says:

    What are your thoughts about “dropping the white flag” approach? Being the one that does some encouraging on your end as a woman to get a conversation going and then finding a way to casually get your number into his hands…then letting him take it from there?

    • Dina Robison says:

      If that works, then that’s great! I would just be unattached to the outcome of whether he’s going to get in contact or not.

  2. John says:

    Dina – excellent points. But women will not listen to you. And the consequences of being accused of being a rapist or creepy are so dire that men will not take the risk. Sure it’s only a few women who would do that, but we can’t tell them apart.

    Women can help with this by calling out their sisters who make false accusations or make it a sport to see how rudely they can reject men. They need to realize that this behavior hurts all women, and therefore all women need to be involved in fixing it. Men don’t have any incentive to get involved; as you said we can get our needs met elsewhere.

  3. James says:

    I doubt that many people will read my comment on some three months old article, but if you do so read this comment, Thank you.
    I can say with 100% certainty. That most of the items on that starting list are many of the reasons to why wouldn’t approach a woman in public. Let alone dare start a relationship.
    +Being put down in public is both an embarrassment and an insult. Combining this with a low self-esteem just absolutely crushed my soul.
    +Rejection hurts, especially with the aforementioned low self-esteem. I really need to work on it, because I am just down on myself in general. (I should stop reading things about white men being the abomination of the earth. That may help… lol)
    +I mention self-esteem two times already! 😀
    +A classroom and the working environments are the only non-creepy environments out there, but #metoo killed the workplace out. A simple shoulder pat for some reason can be considered sexual harassment.
    +I draw, code, and hang out with my friends and family. I wouldn’t say I am the busiest, but having a girlfriend would chew up my free time.
    +I’ve never been yelled at for approaching someone, but I always asked one simple question. Usually for a school survey.
    +I’ve never really approached a woman for a romantic relationship, so I can’t really tell with this one.
    +Most of my high school friends were female. Yep.
    +Due to my “excellent” ability to socialize. I accidentally ask a female classmate if I could walk her to her room. I am a computer science major. Aka the nerd who sucks at talking! It has almost been five months and I still feel bad about it. I am probably some creepy now. xD
    +I indeed can meet all my needs. With the excess of porn, fun video games, and two hobbies. I have all the stuff I need. Inviting a woman who doesn’t share any of interest would be more of a nuisance to me. My video games, hobbies, and me time will be interrupted with dates and spending time with her.

    Well, there is my little list speaking about that list in the article. Sorry if it is too long, but I doubt I can shorten it. My comment is almost over for those who have continued on my wordy trek.

    My intentions on ever approaching a woman or even accepting one approach whom of approached me are close to nil. Even if it is the perfect girl in terms of looks and attitude to my every description. From two nasty insults by my first crush, the small story regarding me and a female classmate, the painful divorce courts, and the #metoo movement making me hyperaware with all my movements. I can safely say for the next three years or maybe even longer. I doubt I will ever try to be romantic with a woman.

    For those curious about the insults. They came from my best friend of roughly four years. I never asked her out or even intended to due to how shy I was. The first insult was on my birthday too which made it really stung and my *twin* sister sided with her. I presented some factually correct data to the two of them which proved them wrong. However, my friend responded with “You can’t say anything because you are a man.”

    The second insult came towards the end of highschool when my best friend, another good female friend, and my sister openly laughed at me when saying a woman shouldn’t be forced into the draft as men. All the while marching for equality. It was akin to them telling me, as a man. That I am worthless to them.

    I was insulted on my birthday. I was insulted on the day of an award ceremony for having a GPA (weighted) of greater than a 4.0. It burned beyond belief and it has finally been an entire year since then. I am merely surprised I can call them friends still.

    • Dina Robison says:

      Thank you for your input, James. It’s disheartening to hear, both your experiences with women and that you don’t think a relationship is worth pursuing but I appreciate your perspective. My hope is that women reading this blog will be more aware about how difficult it can be in a man’s shoes. Maybe as time goes by you will feel differently about finding real love. I wasn’t really ready myself until my mid-30’s, so I can totally relate.

    • Kel says:

      My parents are only together because my dad asked my mom out multiple times. To me (and keep in mind I’m quite sheepish) if I were to ask someone out, and they rejected me the first time, I wouldn’t ask again out of respect. Of course, if she really didn’t want anything to do with you, she may reject you twice, or three times if you try again. I’m just trying to say I guess, that my parents have been married 26 years this month because my dad didn’t give up. That and my mom caved!

      If the woman is polite and she rejects you, I’d still say try again if you feel courage to. Only because I got to see a happy marriage as a result of that specific action. It feels intimidating but it may help you find your life long partner.

      • Dina Robison says:

        Thanks for sharing your parents’ story. I hear stories like this all the time. I think there’s a clear difference between harassing someone and pursuing them. It’s clear that your dad was aware that your mom wasn’t uncomfortable in his multiple attempts to get her to go out with him.

        • Henry says:

          One assumes his dad pursued his mon a few decades ago when dating was a bit different than now. Now, there is no such thing as a guy legitimately pursuing a woman and asking her out many times. Ask once, get rejected once, then leave her alone or a guy risks a harassment charge.

  4. David says:

    It’s due to a mix. Creep-shaming, including possible accusations of sexual harassment, as well as brutal rejections deter a lot of men, and that includes watching it happen to other men or reading about women complaining about getting approached online. But the second factor is online dating. Men don’t need to worry about any of that as long as you can date that way, without having to deal with the real-world consequences if a woman you proposition doesn’t like you.

    • Dina Robison says:

      Thank you so much for your input! I highly encourage women to go online, it’s a great way to meet men that aren’t players.

  5. Kieth says:

    I would never approach women in public in this day and age. I used to in my 20s and was often shamed and insulted. I noticed a behavior pattern amongst a lot of women – if they are not interested in a guy, they would often shame and give an angry disgusted look at you but if they are attracted to a guy, they would be very nice and polite. I guess maybe they don’t realize how hard it is for us guys to approach. Anyway, now that I am in my 30s, I feel pretty content and enjoy my own company a great deal. I have a few women interested in me but they are mostly over 35 and I don’t feel like pursuing a relationship with them.

    • Dina Robison says:

      Sorry to hear that, Kieth. Yes, sometimes women can be horrible to guys. I hope this post and the comments are eye-opening.

  6. CJS says:

    I will tell you why men don’t approach…..

    50 years of being told – women need men like fish need bicycles, toxic masculinity, men are obsolete, throw stones at men, men should be in Concentration Camps, #metoo campaign….etc etc etc.

    If a man forms a relationship he then has to deal with the fact that 50 – 60% of all marriages end in divorce, 80% of all divorces instigated by the wife. All it takes is three simple words from her “I’m not happy” and that guys life is over.

    Wife gets house, cash, prizes and the kids – husband gets park bench, child support and the alimony.

    If he doesn’t pay or loses his job there is prison cell waiting with interest on the debt, passport and drivers license taken away and a life time of servitude fully sanctioned by the State.

    Relationships are not worth the risk or the bother for any man….besides that we live in an age of “equality” – so time for women to do the approaching, open the doors and pay for the drinks.

  7. Tonto says:

    Women are self-centered and blind to reality. Exposing these points to them will make zero difference.

  8. antonia says:

    Women are concerned mainly with their security. And in this age of Kardashians and Paris Hilton, most women think of themselves as Cinderellas who will get the next available prince. I have seen that women will put up with a complete moronic, unclassy, even criminal, boor, as long as he can provide life-long security. About 3% of men are millionaires and those are the ones 80% of ALL women want (no matter how plain-looking or poor the woman may be). Dina, you are looking at the opposite end of the telescope.

  9. antonia says:

    Kieth should pursue the women who want him, rather than the ones who DON’T want him. Doesn’t he GET IT? Find a MOTIVATED BUYER. Don’t find a reluctant, resistant buyer. Kieth, are you nuts? You won’t find happiness with someone who DOESN’T want you, but wants ‘something’ else (a lot more dollars than you have.)

    • John2 says:

      I think Keith is more interested in finding happiness being single. He doesn’t care about the fact that there are women who want him and he doesn’t care about the women who aren’t into him. He’s just doing his own thing and is happier for it.

    • Paul says:

      Hey Antonia – why are you shouting? How would Keith be able to tell which women want him? Just as women don’t know who the bad men are out there, guys can’t tell who the nasty women are. As John said above, the consequences of being accused of being a rapist or creepy are so dire that men will not take the risk – why should we? Sure it’s only a few women who would do that, but we can’t tell them apart.

  10. John2 says:

    In my experience I just lost interest in dsting and relationships. I’ve been this way for roughly 3 years now, since I was 21.

    I just got bored of the approaching and not really getting anywhere. The odd time I would things really wouldn’t end well so I just decided to put time, and energy into myself and my life and save my money.

    Overall I’m a lot happier for it. I’ve just been focussing on my hobbies, my career, improving my life and my friends. I finished university and these things have been way more fulfilling than approaching women and being in a relationship with them has been.

    I don’t feel negatively about women or dating at all. I have a good mix of female friends and have fulfilling friendships with them. I may date in the future but right now I just have no motivation to do so.

    I’m happy with my life and I feel there are a lot of guys out there like me. I don’t have stats or anything just a feeling.

    Maybe I’m just weird like that.

  11. Thisisstupid says:

    ALl of this is stupid. THe answer is, if you watched the gillette commercial, that men approaching women is supposedly sexist misogynistic entitlement and it is rude and demeaning to women.

    You get this drilled into your head for 20 years through primary and secondary schools and in social media after school, and you think men are going to approach women at random?

    Its loud angry women who have made this bed for you. Either you as women have to encourage men to approach women who are strangers more often, or you have to say that you only want attractive men to approach women more often and ugly men shouldn’t, or you have to say that men should not approach women and stop complaining that men don’t approach women, as per the status quo of “woke feminism”.

  12. Thomas says:

    I stopped approaching back in my 20s there is just no appropriate way to approach women. The rules are clear, men shouldn’t, not ever.

    I’d rather eat broken glass then do online dating. I used to do server database work for a large OLD site. Online dating is a really really bad deal for guys. 40/1 or worse male to female ratio is the reality, I’ve seen the data.

    I’ve been single for 18 years. I used to hope some day a women would approach me, but it hasn’t happened.

    I tried everything, I started exercising and got super fit, I’m tall and good looking and women seem to like me. They just never ask me out.

    I wanted to a relationship, I always thought I would be married with children (I love kids)

    I never thought I would spend my life alone.

    Welcome to the 22st century.

    In a few years I’ll be 50, to late to have children and there are very, very, few women my age I would even want to have sex with.

    No children, no sex, still have to pay for everything, still gave to risk the approaching, why would i want this ?

  13. Paul says:

    I’m 37 and have never asked a woman out in my life, no matter how attractive I find her. And no woman has ever given me a signal that she’d liked me to approach her either. I’d love to meet a woman who wants me for me, but I’m not going to put myself in a situation where a friendly hello from me could be misinterpreted and I find myself accused of a crime.

    It’s all very well for online authors to implore women to be more obvious when they’d like a guy to approach them – but the fact is most women never read this and will be never do it. “No two women are the same so don’t generalize”, men are constantly told. The same thing goes for guys we are all individuals. The fact is, *most* men do not rape and terrorize women – and are horrified at the thought – but all men are blamed for it and *some* women treat all men as such. I am a kind and polite person who respects myself enough to treat everyone with respect and I expect to be treated as such. Many women treat all men like garbage. I don’t deserve that and I’m not going to take it.

  14. Emoji says:

    I get rejected without even trying. So these are not the 70’s.

  15. Paul says:

    I believe that intimacy is a basic human need. Most guys can get it because they can attract a woman. I am not able to do this, and since there’s no way any woman would ever go out with me on a regular date, it seems the only way I could ever experience intimacy would be to pay a woman by the hour to go out with me (for dinner, etc.,). I’m certainly not expecting any woman to touch me – I just want to be close to a woman for once and have a ‘date-like’ conversation. Do you have any advice for a guy who has never asked any woman out because I don’t want to offend them by expressing that I like them?

  16. Paul says:

    When a guy approaches a woman, he really doesn’t know what he’s getting into. That woman he’s approaching could be involved with someone else, find him unattractive and thus label him a ‘creep’, and/or just want to play games, so it’s a waste of time.

    And it’s also potentially dangerous. Men need to extremely wary of false accusations of harassment, etc. No matter what actually happens, women are believed, men are not, and men can easily lose everything just for giving a lady a polite smile and a friendly hello from a safe distance across a room or across the street.

    If a woman finds a guy attractive, he can smile and say hello and she’ll be appreciative – perhaps even welcome the guy for making the effort. If she’s not attracted to him, irrespective of the guy’s intentions, he’s likely to be labelled a ‘creep’ and is therefore potentially at risk.

    Since I am not attractive to any woman, it is in my best interest never to express interest in any woman – in fact, I have never approached any woman in my life. I’ve been told in that several women I’ve known in the past did want me to approach them – however, in the absence of clear signals at the time, I wasn’t about to put my reputation, job, etc., at risk by taking a chance. Nor would I ever do so.

  17. bronson88 says:

    Most people don’t wanna hear it or believe it, but it pretty much helps if you look good, and are tall. I was a tall teenager. So when I was 14, i had girls my age all the way up to early 20’s trying to give me some. So that gave me validation that I have what most women look for. Height and looks. So that gave me the courage to approach women because I know theres a very small chance i’ll get shot down. If a guy grew up hearing girls tell him “ewww, get away lil ugly.” then more than likely as an adult he won’t approach women.

  18. Doug says:

    Bronson88 is right: I did grow “… up hearing girls tell me, “ewww, get away lil ugly.” In fact this happened continually until I stopped approaching women a couple of years ago. Maybe “… single women do want to be approached by men[,]” but let’s be honest – only by men they find attractive.

    Very few women actually say no thank you to an approach, no matter how polite, respectful and friendly it is. As a fundamentally unattractive man, for me approaching women is basically asking to be called a creep or otherwise insulted. In the past I tried countless times to put myself out there, only to be treated badly by women – just for smiling and saying ‘hi’ from a safe distance in the day time in an open public space. I’m tired of this, so I no longer approach any woman any more, even those i find very attractive. Why should I be insulted for being friendly?

  19. Allen says:

    Hi Dina –

    It seems what you’re saying in this article is that a man should not approach a woman unless the woman gives him a clear sing she is open to him approaching. I’ve never approached a woman in my life because I’ve been told again and again (and as I understand you to do here as well) that I need to look for a woman’s body language that invites me to do so – or at least indicates her openness to me doing so.

    Since I have never seen a signal that is clear enough for me to go up and say hello, I’ve never done it. I’ve gone out with my woman friends many times and they’ve all told me that women do give me signals all the time – but I miss every one. I try to see what they tell me are extremely clear signals from women, but I honestly never see them, even in hindsight when they tell me what a woman did – often (apparently) to try to get my attention. I’m 42 and am getting close to feeling like I’ll never get this. I’m not going to approach without [what is for me] a clear signal because I’m sure the woman would be offended. But I never see the signs.

    Do you have any thoughts?

    • Dina Robison says:

      Thanks for your honesty, Allen. It’s helpful for women to know that this is what men are going through. My thoughts are to learn a bit about women’s body language and the signals they give. It’s impossible to know what’s in someone’s head, so at some point, you might just have to give it a try by striking up a conversation with a lady. I’m not saying hit on her, just saying strike up a conversation and see if there’s mutual interest. If that’s too daunting, you can date online where the initial meeting is virtual. Don’t knock it, that’s how I met my husband. 🙂

      • Allen says:

        Hi Dina –
        Thank you for this. I’ve tried online dating and gotten absolutely zero results – not one response to the many messages I’ve sent. As such I’ve stopped wasting my time on something that clearly isn’t going to work for me. As I said, I’m not about to approach any woman without a clear sign from her to do so because I’m not going to risk a harassment accusation. I guess there are no answers – most guys can attract women – I can’t.

  20. James says:

    A big reason why men don’t approach women as much is because many avenues of approach have been closed over the years. Many people used to become involved with coworkers, but in a “post-#MeToo” world it’s a risky endeavor to flirt with someone you work with. The amount of videos, memos, and company policies regarding sexual harassment that I’ve been inundated with over the last few years has curtailed any possibilities of me dating anyone I work with. When a woman flirts with me at work (or at least what I perceive to be flirtatious behavior) I become almost a monotone robot.

    Another place where I see the same women on a regular basis is at the gym. To be fair, I don’t really chit chat much at the gym with anyone (I’m there to work out). There are a few regulars I will say hi to, but I keep interactions there pretty brief. If I notice a woman smiling at me not only will I not approach her, I won’t say hi, but I won’t even smile back. I’ll just give her a stone face, and get back to my work out. Maybe her smile has nothing to do with any interest in me. There are too many articles, videos, etc. out there that have repeatedly told men to leave women alone at the gym. Message received.

    When I was in my 20’s I went out to bars/clubs and met women there. Now in my 30’s I almost never go out to bars (other than an occasional birthday, work event, or sporting event). Remember that guys have been told for a few years now that women who have been drinking can’t consent to sexual activity. In years past, a guy and girl could meet in a bar and go home together. Now if that happens, the morning after the guy is potentially on the hook for a sexual assault charge because the girl had a Long Island Iced Tea the night before. That’s a high risk.

    What’s the end goal of approaching a woman? Ideally you’d flirt, date, get engaged, marry, and have kids. If you look at the stats it’s pretty depressing. Half of marriages end in divorce. Most divorces are initiated by the woman. Men overwhelmingly pay for alimony. If there are kids then it’s almost guaranteed that the wife will get custody and the husband will have to pay child support. Again, that’s a huge risk for the guy.

    At the end of the day, dating has become a risky endeavor for men. Most of the reasons why it’s risky is because of attempts to protect women from horrible guys…but here’s the rub: the horrible guys aren’t going to be deterred by the risks. A sociopath in a position of power will still use his power to take advantage of others (he’s a sociopath…he’ll never care about anyone but himself). A douchey guy will still hit on women in inappropriate situations (he’s a douche, he doesn’t have the awareness to know he’s behaving in poor taste). A truly creepy guy will still seek out a woman who’s way too drunk to make a good choice…he’s a predator and he’s not concerned with how horrible he’s being.

    A certain percentage of guys have always been the timid guys who won’t approach women under any circumstance. At the other end of the spectrum are the douchey guys who will hit on every woman in any situation. The overwhelming majority of men live in the middle of those groups. The problem is, in attempting to correct the behavior of d-bags (who will never change) the regular guys in the middle have largely been alienated.

  21. happyandsingle says:

    The only individuals who find these reasons shocking are women. At present women want to be pursued by the top 20% of men as far as appearnce, wealth and power. Any other man, 80% or better, are invisble to women and therefore at risk of being labelled a creep or worse. These fine fellows (80%) have done what comes naturally to a man – cost/benefit analysis. The final conclusion is inescapable. Monuemental and compounding risk at every step. The returns are non-existant.

    Feminism has been a boon to the top tier men that women covet. Because of the demand these men are able to use woman more easily than ever and freely discard them like kleenex as soon as any difficulty arises. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? The remainder of men chose to wisely invest in themselves and their hobbies.

    Where do women fit in this feminist paradise?
    Option a) kleenex tossed by one top tier man after the other.
    Option b) settle for any man, use him for what he is worth and discard him as soon as a better men can be had. (Most popular choice for women no longer able to capture the interest of a top tier man.)
    Option c) learn to invest in yourself with the expectation you will spend your life alone. (More and more men seem to thrive with this option especially after they were “settled” for and then divorced and discarded.)

    I have been told the future is female. Enjoy.

  22. Perry says:

    I can’t speak for all men, though I’d bet the farm that there are A LOT who feel the same way — but I don’t approach women because too many of them are shallow (VERY shallow!), spoiled, lazy — and they expect men to do all the work, but they want to be treated as equals.

    What really irks me is that most of them won’t even bother to show men an interest, yet they expect us too. Then they go online and posts stupid things like, “Where are all the good men at?”

    Having a good friend to hang out with, reading good books, and focusing on my career is enough for me.

  1. May 2, 2018

    […] For most guys, it’s torture approaching a pretty lady, let alone conversing with one they don’t know without stumbling on their words. No matter how compatible you might be with someone, first conversations are naturally awkward. Therefore, if he seems quite at home talking with you the very first time, it might be because he’s used to chatting it up with a lot of women. […]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Get a FREE video, The 6 Practices of Women Who Find Their Soulmate, right here! (We will also email you occasionally if that’s okay. But no worries, we will never share or sell your info and you can unsubscribe any time.)

* indicates required