When He Seems To Be Available But Truly Isn’t
When He’s Available But Really Unavailable
I get many emails from and have many discussions with women who are confused about a particular man showing great interest in her. Let’s call him Mr. Available Unavailable.
He throws little crumbs of affection or interest, or occasionally a whole slice of love bread, her way and her oxytocin (read here about how oxytocin affects you) gets flowing emotionally connecting her to him and then he goes MIA in some way – leaving her sad, empty, and straight up confused trying to reason out what went wrong. Or what’s worse she’s trying to reason out what she did wrong (she didn’t do anything wrong.)
(On a side note, this can happen with males and females in either opposite or same gender relationships. For the purpose of the article and because it’s been my own experience I’m generalizing that it’s females on the receiving end with a male on the other end. It can certainly go both ways though.)
Does he want commitment or not?
Oh, I’ve so been there with Mr. Available Unavailable. When I finally understood for myself that I wanted a real commitment and decided that MIA wasn’t going to cut it for me anymore I started noticing that men could really be put into just two categories of commitment:
1) Non-committal – admittedly doesn’t want to settle down, never has a girlfriend or doesn’t date at all, shows no interest whatsoever for whatever reason. It’s really not hard to avoid that guy because he is just being who he is without giving women much reason to hope for his affections. This guy isn’t much of a problem.
2) Commitment focused – will only date one woman at a time, desires a monogamous relationship and is turned off by anything but, wants a family, wants marriage/co-habitation. Though women want this guy he can be harder to find because he usually hasn’t mastered the art of wooing a woman (which is a fantastic thing, by the way) and isn’t out and about “playing the game.”
And what about the rest? Any guy that isn’t clearly in one of those categories falls into a seemingly ever-increasing gray area of “sorta kinda maybe commitment.” He’s the guy that:
– Flirts with you like crazy but never asks you out.
– Has “reasons” why he’s not ready for a relationship right now.
– Will see you during the week but then disappears all weekend.
– Still has another woman somewhere, somehow.
– Will bond intimately with you but then disappear for a while.
– Wants to only hang out rather than date.
– Will hang out with you when it’s best for him but then disappears when you want to see him.
– Isn’t direct with you about what the relationship is or much of anything.
– Hides behind texting.
– Did I mention that he disappears??
If you aren’t sure of some of the subtle signs of an emotionally unavailable person then please read this article on Elephant Journal:
So then doesn’t this gray area man represent a third category? Here’s the thing…no, he doesn’t.
This gray area man, as much as he’s mastered the art of appearing available to get some kind of comfort from time to time, is still very much non-committal.
And his grayness has nothing to do with you whatsoever. He may have many reasons for being wishy-washy – wanting some intimacy, needing to feel needed, wants to forget about his problems, still dealing with emotional trauma, etc. It has nothing to do with anything you’re doing or not doing. If someone has stuff to work out then it’s on him to work it out on his own without putting you through the emotional ringer.
What can you do about Mr. Available Unavailable?
You can’t change him. So, as a deliberate creator of your love experience, as soon as you recognize the signs, put him into the non-committal category where he belongs, pick yourself up and move on.
Your time, your energy, your body, and your heart are worth just too damn much to be wasted in an endless sea of grays and getting nothing in return.
If a committed love relationship, partnership, or soul mate (however you think of it) is what you really want then your only option from now on is to date men that are clearly in the second category – commitment focused.
You might enjoy a few of my articles about how you can find out early on whether he’s in category one or two:
With Love & Gratitude,