Why “The List” Backfires & How To Make It Deliberately For Attracting Your Soul Mate
The practice of making a list – the qualities you want in your soul mate officially written down – to prepare for dating and meeting your partner is either loved or hated. I got advice many years ago to definitely NOT make a list. And recently I read an article from a coach that told women to ditch their list entirely lest it make them too picky.
The list seems to have become a joke that invokes the image of an adult, professional, independent woman writing in her pink diary about the guy she secretly likes. I know I used to think it was and I’d be damned if I would have done such a silly, girly thing.
Alas, after many years of following the advice of list haters and attracting men but never attracting the type of man I wanted for a long term relationship – I finally used a list in my mid-30’s to successfully attract the man of my dreams.
So, yeah, I’ve become quite a fan of the list. I’ll go so far as to say that if you’re not making a list, you’re not attracting deliberately. You’re in-the-moment-hope-and-pray-it-all-works-out-for-the-best attracting. Which is fine if that’s who you are and your style, but you just may not be into deliberate attraction.
Here’s why it’s essential:
1) Your soul mate is not just anyone; he’s someone you are fulfilling your soul’s purpose with. Yes, we are a people-loving, spiritual bunch here that knows in reality we are all one. But your soul mate partner is someone with specific soul qualities that are compatible with yours – you compliment each other and support each other as you fulfill your life purposes, individually and as a team. Can this person be just anyone you find attractive? No way.
2) In a large dating pool narrowing your options will greatly help you to find ONE that you will commit to. If you don’t narrow it down, your potential soul mate can be literally billions of people of your preferred gender (if you don’t prefer a particular gender then your options are doubled!), available, and of legal age. Now that’s a bit of an exaggeration, you’re not likely to date someone located on the other side of the planet but you see my point? Without narrowing down your options with some specific qualities (more on that later) you are exhausting your energy and time looking everywhere and to everyone to potentially be the one.
3) You will only be very compatible with certain people because you are a unique individual. Let’s face it, there are some qualities that can really push your buttons and there’s no way you could be in a relationship with someone who has those qualities. You know what they are. Write them down. Personally, it really bothers me when people are chronically late and/or don’t keep appointments without good reason. There is absolutely no way in heck I could ever date let alone be married to someone like that. You better believe punctual and reliable made my list and my husband is just that! Know your push-point buttons and put the opposite positive qualities on your list.
Why I believe the list has gotten a bad rap and how to use it deliberately instead:
1) Putting the wrong qualities on the list. Unlike shopping for a car where you put the make, the model, the color, and accessories on a list – your soul mate list is for soul characteristics and practical needs that you know you need in a partner. Some of mine were honesty, responsibility, spiritually minded, healthy lifestyle, and monogamous. These were absolutely non-negotiable qualities as I would not get along with someone who didn’t have these basic traits. Some of the practical things I needed in my partner were that he wants children, wanted to live in my area, and had a decent ethical and legal means of income earning. Put the traits you absolutely must have for you to be compatible with your partner on your list.
2) Using the list only as a way of closing off instead of noticing all the areas in which you can be open. The inclusion of things like tall, dark, and handsome on your list effectively closes you off from many averagely cute guys of northern European descent and under six feet tall (or more if you’re on the taller side yourself). And many of these guys may have the soul qualities you are looking for in a partner but because your list includes things you can see only, you didn’t give a potentially great partner a chance. That is where the list goes wrong.
After you’ve made the list from step number one with soul and practical qualities, make a list of every quality that isn’t going to matter 30 to 60 years from now. This is your open-to-what-the-Universe-brings-you list. For me this included ethnicity, nationality, religion as long as he was spiritual, height within a very large range (admittedly I’m petite though), age within in a very wide range, divorced or not, already had kids or not, average looking or not, and his profession as long as it was legal and ethical. That’s a whole lot of being open for a list-making person like myself. Make a list of everything that you CAN be open about.
So how do you know if your date has the soul and practical qualities from your list? Take your time to get to know him and if you’re not sure about something that’s very important to you, politely ask. Be clear but don’t make hasty assumptions either. When you are truly being yourself the man from your list will love you.
What do you think about making a list? I would love to read about it, so please comment below. And if you found this article helpful please share! To get weekly updates with the latest blog, more soul mate attraction inspiration, and a free audio “Six Ways To Begin Deliberately Attracting Your Soul Mate Now,” please sign up at the top of the page.