Knowing What’s Really Important To Look For In a Partner
What’s Really Important In Your Soul Mate Partner?
Most of us have had an “idea” in our head about the ideal partner or what the ideal partnership should look like to us. Recently I’ve had a few conversations with friends and clients that got me thinking about this, as we had very different yet definitive ideas about what we wanted in partnership.
And though I’m a huge proponent of getting clear about you, your soul mate, and the partnership you want to attract – I also don’t want you to get limited or stuck by thinking that that has to be the only way or you’ll just be alone (especially when you don’t really want to be.)
When you’re thinking about the person and relationship you want to attract there are a few points to consider:
Your default ideal relationship is probably based on your past programming from childhood, etc. and probably not the highest or most ideal you could ask for.
Any “specific” idea you have about someone you want to attract limits you to thinking that’s the only way it can work.
You can re-define what your ideal relationship is anytime.
Often times what you think is important isn’t, and what you think isn’t important is.
Look within first before getting into a relationship so you can clearly know the difference.
So what IS important? (Warning, you may not like my response or necessarily agree with me!)
From most important to least:
#1 Your essential life values – this includes your soul essence qualities like spiritual growth, love, socially conscious, honest communication, family, and many more. The value lies in the overall quality not in the details (i.e., what social cause you’re dedicated to doesn’t have to be the same as his.) This is how you want to live your life and sets the tone for the relationship and your journey together.
#2 Your essential personality traits – your basic personality traits should be pretty compatible or you will drive each other crazy. For example, someone who is very punctual and likes to plan ahead wouldn’t be happy with someone who is spontaneous and doesn’t care about promptness.
Another example here is someone sweet and quiet trying to make it work with someone who is quick to anger and blow up. These two would obviously cause each other a lot of stress and not be a good match long term.
Some would say things like this aren’t that important or that sometimes being with someone who is the opposite can help you grow. I don’t know about you but that’s not how I want to grow on a daily basis.
There will be enough differences without having to negotiate completely different personalities. Being with someone who is pretty similar to you just makes the journey a lot more harmonious.
Both #1 and #2 – Values and Personality traits are the most important. As you can imagine, it takes time to get to know someone on this level. It requires more conscious and deliberate dating.
The next two are not that important long-term:
#3 Interests, hobbies, diversions – These are things like how you like to spend your alone time, sometimes social time, creative pursuits, whether you like to travel or not, etc. Some would say that this is extremely important and, yes, some of this can easily spill over into the “values” category…but hear me out:
If you are both on the same page with your values and personality you will both happily support each other in your individual pursuits. Just because one partner likes to play music in a band doesn’t mean that the other has to do the same, as long he or she is supported in doing so. Just because one partner is really into yoga doesn’t mean the other partner needs to be either.
However, you might decide that the core values of creative pursuits and of living healthfully are very important to you. Great! You’re both on the same page there. See the difference? The physical manifestation of it doesn’t have to be the same in order to be happy together.
#4 Other outward physical characteristics – These consist of the external qualities that we often believe will make us happy but can be misleading as well: handsomeness, level of income, his clothing, his career and position, a particular type (ethnicity or a man with hair), and, last but not least, his bank account.
Though the outward appearance of these characteristics may be an indication of a deeper value, do not mistake his physical characteristics for his basic values. When you seek a man who values health and abundance then many of the physical characteristics will align with what you are seeking – he will probably be fairly fit and have his finances under control. Seek the inner value first, not the outward appearance of it.
Categories #3 and #4 can be misleading and confine you to a very specific idea of what you think your partner should be like. But being specific about categories #1 and #2 allow you to honor who you are as a woman and yet allow you to stay very open to how the Universe will present love to you.
I’ve known happy couples that initially lived far apart and moved thousands of miles to be together. I’ve known happy couples that were each a different religion but were still spiritually aligned. I’ve known happy couples that each came from different backgrounds and cultures. I’ve known so many couples that made it work because they were open, remembered what was most important, and didn’t get lost in the externals.
As one friend of mine said, without any hesitation, when I asked her why she moved from Colorado to Nebraska, “Simple. I fell in love with a farmer.” And so she became a farmer’s wife.
It really can be that easy. 🙂