Chemistry in Deliberate Attraction, Part 2: Clarification

The moment I began writing my first blog post about the role faux-love, otherwise known as chemistry, shouldn’t play in deliberate attraction I knew I would be writing a follow-up for the sake of clarity.

Terms like chemistry, attraction, love, and even soul mate can have as many different meanings and interpretations as there are unique individuals with unique experiences, so this post is intended to be more of clarification about the kind of chemistry I was referring to that one should be cautious of and the kind of chemistry (or real love) that builds in a soul mate relationship.

The first person to disagree with me when I told him about my article was my husband.  He said, “Of course, physical attraction is important in a relationship.  It shouldn’t necessarily be the most important thing one looks for but it is important.”

So that brings me to clarification point #1:

Though the two often go together, chemistry and physical attraction don’t necessarily mean the same thing.

I’m in no way suggesting you look for a partner that you find unattractive or don’t have any rapport with or don’t have any physical attraction to at all.  Of course, there should be physical attraction!  You might think someone is cute or interesting or funny or fit but may not feel the instant WHAM of a chemistry hit but that’s a good opportunity to get to know him better to see if something else develops.


Which brings me to clarification point #2:

Instant chemistry felt before getting to know a person is the kind that will likely wane in due time.  With deliberate attraction chemistry builds – and keeps building.

In no way am I suggesting that you should never feel or experience chemistry in your soul mate relationship.  When you and your soul mate love each other it’s inevitable.  What I’m suggesting is that you allow it to build over time as a result of the mutual love AND respect you’re creating together as you get to know each other – spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

And this brings me to my last clarification point #3:

Yes, some physical chemistry is important but it is by far not #1 on the list with deliberate attraction.  Spiritual, emotional, and mental compatibility play even more important roles in creating sustainable chemistry that leads to love.

It seems that somewhere along the line women have devolved (as in un-evolved because I’d like to think that before modern media put crazy ideas into our heads women were much more discerning but I could be wrong) to putting the instant physical chemistry at the top of the list of requirements for partnership.  And it’s gotten us into a lot of trouble.   It’s time to be clear about the qualities you really want in a partnership and put those first.

One final thought – the kind of chemistry that you want to be cautious of if you’re looking for soul mate love is that addictive, instant attraction that triggers you in every way.  Harville Hendrix has written some great material about this very topic and according to him that instant chemical attraction is based on all of our JUNK (my paraphrasing for childhood wounding) in our subconscious attempt to heal our past issues.

With deliberate attraction there is no need to heal past issues because you enter your relationship knowing you are already complete – you can read more on that here.  You really do have the power to overcome your subconscious patterns and create the relationship you truly desire by allowing chemistry to build with a person that has the qualities you want.

If you enjoyed this article please share it and please comment below!  If you’d like to know 6 simple things you can do now to begin deliberately attracting your soul mate now, please hop up to the top of the page and sign up to receive the free audio and to stay in touch!

With Love,


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3 Responses

  1. I've noticed the relationships where I've been instantly physically attracted were ones I probably should have stayed away from, but learned from them. These are great tips to learn how to break unhealthy relationship patterns and stay on track by being more selective rather than just jumping on board because your physically drawn, which can be unhealthy depending on past patterns. Insightful. Thank you so much.

  2. Yeah, it's great to know that it's a learning experience and that you choose to learn now rather than later.

  1. April 11, 2018

    […] looking for in a relationship and partner now. If you don’t take this time, you will continue to let your relationships be a slave to chemistry, connection, and attraction. Not that any of those things are wrong, they just aren’t empowering reasons for choosing a […]

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